Hello fellow coaches, Brad Childress here. Did you hear I signed my contract extension with the Vikings yesterday? I know! I was just as surprised as you are. You know I had to celebrate, right? We had a wild shindig last night. I’m still recuperating from it all. I dressed up in my flight attendant costume and did jager bombs until I passed out. Good times.
But you’re not here to listen to me ramble on about my adventures in drunken cross dressing. You’re here to learn how I pulled the wool over the Vikings’ eyes, right? Lucky for you, I have outlined how you too can achieve contract extension greatness in just 5 easy steps.
Ready to claim a contract extension you don’t deserve? Well alright, then.
I know this sounds crazy, but here’s the beauty of this. Your old looking glasses will either make people think that you’re smart or they will make people feel sorry for you. Either way, you come out on top.
Step #2: Use a headset that no one else uses in your games.
Remember, you’ve already planted the “I’m smarter than you” or the “Please feel sorry for me” seed. So naturally, people think you’re either on the cutting edge of technology or that you just brought your headset from your Nokia cellphone to the game. Either way, you come out on top.
Step #3: Grow yourself a Grizzly Adams beard.
Many great men have had great beards throughout history. Even if you’re not really a great man (and if you’re like me, you’re not), you can always have a great beard. So you at least have that going for you.
Step #4: Be sure to approach draft day strategically.
Oh, you thought Adrian Peterson falling to the Vikings was luck? Not at all. Strictly strategic. How else would you explain Oakland, Detroit, Cleveland, Tampa Bay, Arizona, and Washington all passing on him. Strategy my friend.
Step #5: Make time to help the elderly.
Life is all about karma. You always want to be sure that you’re on karma’s good side. Because you never know when giving a senior citizen a lift is just the thing to tip the karma scales.
So there you have it. As you may have noticed, actually being a good coach isn’t listed. Mainly because coaching ability really doesn’t matter. And that, my friend, should be painfully obvious by now.