Chronicling My 3 Hours Of Hell The Home Run Derby

I’m definitely not a baseball purist. In fact, I’m all for cutting the baseball season down to 100 games. Or 80. Or even 60, if I were able to get away with it. Yet, last night I tried to put away my impure feelings about the game of baseball and decided to take in the Home Run Derby. (Spoiler Alert – It didn’t go very well)

7:59 PM
Finishes off a Family Guy rerun (a daily ritual). Flips over to ESPN for the coverage.

8:00 PM
PA announcer at the ballpark announces, “Welcome David Cook singing, ‘Declaration’.”

8:00 PM – 8:10 PM
I continuously ask myself, “Why is David Cook on my television?” and “Is this the new National Anthem?” and “Is this a pyro show or a Home Run Derby?” and “Why is David Cook on my television?”

8:30 PM
By this time I think I’m upstairs cleaning my tub. Seems like a good time to knock out some household duties. I was fortunate enough to watch a 15 minute spectacle where Albert Pujols watched 20 balls fly right across the plate before hitting a pop up and a ground ball. All the while, Bennett Hayes (the State Farm winner guy with a pretty strong mustache) looks on hoping that Pujols would at least get one out to the outfield. And to think, he must’ve practiced that pointing motion all week.

9:00 PM, I guess
Back downstairs in time to see Brandon Inge sucking.

Yeah, we feel the same you do about seeing you hitting pop up after pop up, Brandon. Am now on twitter joining in on the Berman and Ball track bashing. Speaking of twitter. If you aint following, you need to be.

9:30 PM, or somewhere around there.
Back to cleaning that tub I already cleaned.

10:00 PM (I’ve really lost a sense of time by now)
Is it the second round yet? Who made it? Is that one of Will Smith’s sons back there?

10:30 PM (Still don’t know what time it really is)
Walk by the television to notice that Prince Fielder is swearing profusely. Hey kids, come wipe a Prince down.

11:00 PM
Come back just in time to watch Prince Fielder crowned Home Run Derby champion for 2009. And to witness him unveil his 10x jersey skirt.

Not pictured nor discussed: Chris Berman, Steve Phillips, and Joe Morgan’s predictable commentary of the event. For obvious reasons.

*Images via Reuters and Getty

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